Social worker offers tips for su

LISA M. PETSCHE Special to the CJN

When someone you know is diagnosed with a serious illness, you may want to reach out to that individual but feel unsure of what to say or do.

Here is some advice.

Emotional support

Don't agonize over what to say. Keep it simple and heartfelt, for example, “I'm so sorry to hear about your illness,” “I'm here for you,” or perhaps even “I'm at a loss for words.”

Don't be afraid to share your emotions. Remember, too, that body language, a touch of your hand, a pat on the shoulder, or a hug can often convey support and caring better than words.

Educate yourself about her disease and its treatment options to help you understand the kinds of challenges she faces.

Bear in mind that serious illness affects people physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and that, although there may be similarities, no two people will experience it the same way. Feelings may include shock, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, sadness, loneliness and hopelessness.

Allow your friend to express any and all emotions; don't try to talk her out of them or change the subject because of your discomfort. Also, don't take bad moods or uncharacteristic behavior, such as withdrawal, personally.

Recognize and accept that people cope with illness in different ways. Some may alter their priorities and lifestyle, while others may choose to carry on as usual. Some may use humor as a coping mechanism, while others may become more introspective or spiritual.

Keeping in touch

Recognize that you may have to make most of the effort in maintaining the relationship. Visit, call and send cards or e-mail. Plan to call or visit when you are not rushed for time.

Give the ill person your full attention. That includes turning off your cell phone when you are together.

Treat her in the same way you always have. Don't hesitate to smile, laugh or tell a joke. Be yourself.

Listen nonjudgmentally, demonstrate compassion, and don't give unsolicited advice. Provide words of support and encouragement.

Encourage her to take one day at a time and to trust that she will be able to cope with whatever lies ahead. However, don't give false reassurances, such as, “Everything's going to be just fine.”

Don't underestimate the pain - physical, emotional and spiritual - that your friend is experiencing, and don't discourage tears or urge her to be strong. Don't try to withhold your own tears, either. They are merely a sign that you care. let her know she is in your prayers.

Take your cues from her as to how she wishes to deal with her illness; don't make assumptions. If you're unsure, ask whether she would like to talk about her situation, and honor her wishes either way. Encourage her to practice self-care; getting adequate nutrition, exercise (if appropriate) and sleep; keeping medical appointments; as well as avoiding unnecessary stress.

Help her to feel good about her appearance. Offer to set her hair or do her nails, or bring her a new accessory, such as a scarf or a piece of costume jewelry.

Surprise her with a gift, such as flowers or a favorite movie, magazine or food treat.

Focus on the present and how you can make your time together enjoyable. Don't be reluctant to make plans, though; it's good for her to have things to look forward to.

Invite her on an outing, keeping in mind her energy limitations. Ideas include a trip to a coffee shop, favorite store or park; eating out at a favorite restaurant; or taking a drive in the country or around the old neighborhood.

Practical help

Assist her in practical ways to allow her to concentrate on her treatment or ensure needed rest. Walk her dog, run errands, perform household chores such as vacuuming and laundering, or drive her to and from appointments.

Don't merely let her know you're available if she needs help; make concrete offers. For example, “I'm going to the grocery store. What can I get you?” Or simply go ahead and do things like deliver a meal or mow her lawn. Offer to get information about her illness as well as community resources that may be of assistance.

If your friend is receiving care from a family member, offer respite so the caregiver can take a break. This will enable him to be more effective in his role.

Keep in mind that emotional support and your time are the two most valuable gifts you can give a friend who is grappling with serious health issues.

Know, too, that ill people don't expect friends to provide answers to difficult, often philosophical questions such as “Why did this happen?” - or take away their pain. What they do want and need is the comfort of knowing they're not alone.

Don't forget to also care for yourself during this difficult time. Most important, find an outlet for your emotions, whether it's talking to someone who's a good listener, writing in a journal, or attending a support group.

Lisa M. Petsche is a clinical social worker and a freelance journalist specializing in health and relationship issues.